I just had a fight with my mom today…
i was so stressed up lately… ever since I started working, I feel my mom r getting more and more sensitive and like to pick fight with me… I think maybe b’cuz she feel lonely at home cuz all her daughtehr during normal days seldom hv time for her, tat’s y she starts acting like tat.. but thigns r getting more serious everyday… we fight with each otehr more often and often.. and thigns r just getting worse…
today…when i reach home, i was so bloody hell tired as usual cuz of the stupid jam and my period pain is making things worse, i got seriously headache, and when i reach home, i took a nap for 5 minit, i just can’t tahan my sweaty face anymroe and i decided to go for a bath…
when i open m wardrobe and”fuah”! i realize half of the clothes in my closet r gone!!! i immediately relaize wat’s wrong, must be my mom who threw them away cuz she always complain my wardrobe is too full and messy… then i yelled and show the very unhappy look to her as this morning i just told her if she wanna threw away my things, at least show to me 1st b4 threwing them so i know what’s been thrown away… but now she just threw them away b4 asking me… i was really angry… then we had a fight…
after that we nvr talk to each oter since now…
she carry on her drama series in the living room, and i carry on my own bussiness in my study room, as usual…
when i sat down infront of my PC desk, then i realize this card on my desk… a hand made card me and my sis create for my mom at least 8 years ago… it;s just a very normal card, a sunflower with our own hand drawn picture on it, very childish, but my mom loves it a lot and has pasted it on the fridge for quite a every long time…
few days ago, my mom bring in the card and ask me whether i can re-create a similar card for her cuz this one is already very old… I straight away answer yes without a 2nd thought cuz I know she is hinting me mother’s day is coming…
tat time when i received the card from her hand, i didnt even look it properly, and i just put it aside cuz i was busying with my other things…
untill today, i finally get to look at it properly… and of all sudden.. dunno why, tears suddenly run downs from my eyes…
of all tehse years, what i always worry is about studies, work, worry that i ‘m not up to standard yet, upset that i m left behind by otehrs cuz i’m not as good as my other classmates, feeling emo cuz the person i like didnt talk to me today, feeling worry bout my future that whether i can find the one who will love me back in the future…al these silly stuff…and i thought that’s serious problem.. i always work hard and do my best in my college to prove to others i’m not weak, to tell ppl i can do it too, i wanna be somebody in my field, i dun wanna be just nobody in the college and work untill i get old and retire, i wanna earn big money, wanna get a good bf who will nvr flirt with other girls, that’s wat i always cares about… but it’s all just a stupid and foolish thoughts…I hv neglected the most important thing in my life… my family…
I dunno since when i hv become so selfish… i still remember last time when i fill up the form about my future goal, i wrote my future goal and target is to become a sucessful person and earn big money so that i can give my mom a happy life… but now… what hv i done good for her? I work late evryday, i nvr get to acompany her and join her for breakfast or even dinner,i always crashed my car and sometimes she hv to help me pay for the car repair fees, always makes her worry that whether i’m driving safe outside or not… always fight with her with small little things…
she always complain a lot to us when we come back home, and I always feels very irritates cuz i was so exhausted and yet i still need to listen to her mumbling… but now come to think of it… y she only complains when we come back home? cuz thats’ the only time she can see us… she threw away my clothes, cuz she was trying to helpme clean up my closet…she do everything… is for us.. but what hv i done to her?
holding the card in my hand, i just cant stop crying… the card mean so much to her… cuz that was the happiest time in our home.. although she has a hard time rasing up so many child herself, but she nvr complains about tat… that time we were still young, she hv to take care of all of us by herself alone, althought it’s tough, but at least we all r always together, we often went for dim sum together, we watch TV together at night, we always hv dinner at home together… like what we drew in the card…we were always together… but now… what have we become… theolder I become, the mroe selfish i become… only cares about myself… always went out late and drive home alone make her worry sick… I know I’m wrong… but i just couldnt voice out to her saying that i’m sorry.. yes i nvr said I’m sorry to her b4… not verbally…
I’m sorry mom… I’m really sorry… I m very stress with my carreer and my future… that’s y i’m always showing a sour face… I’m starting to hv doubt with myself, I doubt my ability and capabality, and I doubt my future…I’m lost and I dunno what to do… but I know all these can’t be the excuse for letting u alone all the time… I’m sorry…
