我的傻婆日记

我现在就像是一块夹心饼…. 一块有很肥很厚的奶油的夹心饼… 夹在两块饼中间挤呀挤的… 虽然很肥很厚，但还是很痛的叻… 但幸好我的奶油层够肥够厚,才得以tahan到现在… 但不知是否能长久… 最痛苦的…不是因为夹在中间很痛，而是因为无法对别的饼干诉苦．．．因为大家都是在同一个饼筒内．．． 夹心饼的苦．．．谁能来分担哪．．．？

这事件发生在数星期前的某一个晚上…正当我愉快地在边吃香蕉边收听着988网上重播时…

….. 我到底是怎么了… T_T 该去看骨科医生吗…?

明天又开学了… 为什么时间过得那么快? 酱跌跌撞撞的就在TOA 混了一年…
UK plan 报销了… 之前打的TOA一年后英国留学计划最终还是无法实现… 我以后该以什么为下一个目标啊~~~??

最近越来越多人问我打算在ＴＯＡ待几久… 讲真的… 我真的不懂…我并不讨厌TOA的工作，也觉得自己蛮适合这份工作.我很清楚明白TOA是一座宝山，但往往每次看到在外面奔跑的同学们接触的工作，再看看自己这一年内所接触到的事物,一比之下,就觉得自己没用得想哭…想起来… 我现在分分钟连接一个简单的freelance工作的能力都没有… 本身实力已经不强，现在连社会经验也没有… 每次听见朋友们投诉说工作很忙，有很多project，偶尔会半开玩笑的说我们TOA的人很幸福… 每次我听到这些话… 心里有些感到庆幸，又有些感到难过和讽刺… 庆幸的是我有时间处理自己的私人事物，陪伴家人和做自己的东西，讽刺的是，我心里又挣扎自己经验和见识不如别人…心里就是感到不忿… 这就是所谓的犯贱吗？哈哈…

回头看，一年里我学会了什么？做过了什么？每天早上期待8点“早点说马“，下午期待12点988广播剧，和傍晚6点钟超强K6党，每个星期期待下一套新戏上映能和朋友一起吃饭看电影…每个月盼望发薪日偿还姐姐们的“鸡仔数“…每年… 每年期待什么？旅行？机缘？更惨的是这个学期无法追12点广播剧了T_T因为这个学期大部分都是早上课，哎…加上今年的重头好戏都看完了，今年内我看再也没舍机会和借口去找朋友去看戏“吹水“了…

认真想想,为什么心里会一直那么纳闷忧郁，我想是因为自己的计划被打断了，一下子失去了目标，既然英国计划泡汤了，那我是时候认真想想自己的未来出路… 那天听见震利他们谈起未来的投资和打算… 我想我也是时候打算打算了… 不然以后人老珠黄了，人又老/无，钱又无，点算~~~~~？？ TAT 不过我看我第一件应该做的…应该就是储蓄吧… 哎… 每当看见自己户口的储蓄，总会暗叹…之前满满的储蓄，经历数次车祸后迅速的减少…还有每个月定期复诊的惊人消费… 哎… 我现在已经尽量不动我的储蓄了，农历七月快过了， 今年又没踩到怪东西，希望接下来的一年不会再出任何车祸就好… T_T

988的有时想念好好听哦… 好想要它的专辑…不知道贵不贵呢? 每次听见刘若英的“很爱恨爱你“， 眼泪总是少少在眼眶中打滚,正啊!!!

虽然人生的大目标我暂时无法定下，但我确有个永远不灭的目标……
我要减肥!!!
ARRRRR~~~!!!!太生气了！以往我就是太在意别人的眼光而迟迟不能成功，从今以后我不理别人以异样眼光看我，势必要成功!!! 顶不顺了，不支持我也罢，却还要踩我几脚!! 你们走着瞧!!! huh!! >.

WHY~~?? TELL ＭＥ WHY~~??  T^T

我重要的大日子… 既然得躺在家中度过 TAT 都是炒扩条惹的祸 （舍咪？）
是谁说今年是个好年的？？ 是谁？？！！ 谁说生日一定会行好运的？？ 谁？？！！TAT
近几个月… 一连好几次送车子去维修，又频频出车祸…单是这个月，就花去了我整个月的薪水在维修费上…银行储蓄在短短两个星期内大幅度减半… 每个月还要定时去看专科（超贵的…一次大约要RM300++）…再加上这两个星期又生病 TAT 又花了一笔钱看医生… 再加上上次未付的 SAMAN…  OMG~~~ 神都救不了我了…

好无奈的生日… T-T 真是流年不利啊… Sayunara~ 我的青春23~

FInally, the software Ah Beng gave me is working!!

I hv spent most of my friday night and saturday watching movies and cleaning my room, as for tomolo my friends will be coming over to hv BBQ in my place lol… miss them so much…

anyway, I hv watched Pride and Prejudice last night, and I’m deeply in love with tat movie… it is so… so classical!! and so… so… peaceful… damn I love these kinda movie… talks about peaceful, ordinary, village life, village culture… romance…

Although I know romance doesnt exist in real life, at least not on ppl like me, but I guess tat’s what makes it so nice…? I hv read the book once and now as i watch the movie, I love it even more.. the music, the atmostphere, the heavenly beautiful scenary… everything, makes me feel so relax… like i hv go back to the old England cottage villages… seeing vilage girls life in the past time,and comparing girls in the presents, soothing culture  life style, especially how the way ppl speaks sacarsm in a manner tougue, the way they act and talk and walk… it all capture my attention.

I have watched this movie over and over again for 3 times in 2 days, and i stillfeel like watching again… i’m only 22 (going to 23 soon…) yet I feel myself like an old lady… enjoy peaceful life… haha…

Romance huh… I use to believe it did exist untill when i grown up, only I realize it’s just a fairy tale. maybe it does happen on the ppl living in the past cuz they hv less things to worry but to get married and earn a lving… but nowadays? hah…

Anyway, Pride and Prejudice is really a great movie. Awesome, to those who likes classical, sentimentle, romance, this is a movie u must not miss out. =) Too dreamy? at least it shows someone does believe in dreams come true b4.

I just had a fight with my mom today…
i was so stressed up lately… ever since I started working, I feel my mom r getting more and more sensitive and like to pick fight with me… I think maybe b’cuz she feel lonely at home cuz all her daughtehr during normal days seldom hv time for her, tat’s y she starts acting like tat.. but thigns r getting more serious everyday… we fight with each otehr more often and often.. and thigns r just getting worse…
today…when i reach home, i was so bloody hell tired as usual cuz of the stupid jam and my period pain is making things worse, i got seriously headache, and when i reach home,  i took a nap for 5 minit, i just can’t tahan my sweaty face anymroe and i decided to go for a bath…

when i open m wardrobe and”fuah”! i realize half of the clothes in my closet r gone!!! i immediately relaize wat’s wrong, must be my mom who threw them away cuz she always complain my wardrobe is too full and messy… then i yelled and show the very unhappy look to her as this morning i just told her if she wanna threw away my things, at least show to me 1st b4 threwing them so i know what’s been thrown away… but now she just threw them away b4 asking me… i was really angry… then we had a fight…
after that we nvr talk to each oter since now…
she carry on her drama series in the living room, and i carry on my own bussiness in my study room, as usual…
when i sat down infront of my PC desk, then i realize this card on my desk… a hand made card me and my sis create for my mom at least 8 years ago… it;s just a very normal card, a sunflower with our own hand drawn picture on it, very childish, but my mom loves it a lot and has pasted it on the fridge for quite a every long time…
few days ago, my mom bring in the card and ask me whether i can re-create a similar card for her cuz this one is already very old… I straight away answer yes without a 2nd thought cuz I know she is hinting me mother’s day is coming…
tat time when i received the card from her hand, i didnt even look it properly, and i just put it aside cuz i was busying with my other things…
untill today, i finally get to look at it properly… and of all sudden.. dunno why, tears suddenly run downs from my eyes…
of all tehse years, what i always worry is about studies, work, worry that i ‘m not up to standard yet, upset that i m left behind by otehrs cuz i’m not as good as my other classmates, feeling emo cuz the person i like didnt talk to me today, feeling worry bout my future that whether i can find the one who will love me back in the future…al these silly stuff…and i thought that’s serious problem.. i always work hard and do my best in my college to prove to others i’m not weak, to tell ppl i can do it too, i wanna be somebody in my field, i dun wanna be just nobody in the college and work untill i get old and retire, i wanna earn big money, wanna get a good bf who will nvr flirt with other girls, that’s wat i always cares about… but it’s all just a stupid and foolish thoughts…I hv neglected the most important thing in my life… my family…

I dunno since when i hv become so selfish… i still remember last time when i fill up the form about my future goal, i wrote my future goal and target is to become a sucessful person and earn big money so that i can give my mom a happy life… but now… what hv i done good for her? I work late evryday, i nvr get to acompany her and join her for breakfast or even dinner,i always crashed my car and sometimes she hv to help me pay for the car repair fees, always makes her worry that whether i’m driving safe outside or not… always fight with her with small little things…
she always complain a lot to us when we come back home, and I always feels very irritates cuz i was so exhausted and yet i still need to listen to her mumbling… but now come to think of it… y she only complains when we come back home? cuz thats’ the only time she can see us… she threw away my clothes, cuz she was trying to helpme clean up my closet…she do everything… is for us.. but what hv i done to her?

holding the card in my hand, i just cant stop crying… the card mean so much to her… cuz that was the happiest time in our home.. although she has a hard time rasing up so many child herself, but she nvr complains about tat… that time we were still young, she hv to take care of all of us by herself alone, althought it’s tough, but at least we all r always together, we often went for dim sum together, we watch TV together at night, we always hv dinner at home together…  like what we drew in the card…we were always together… but now… what have we become… theolder I become, the mroe selfish i become… only cares about myself… always went out late and drive home alone make her worry sick… I know I’m wrong… but i just couldnt voice out to her saying that i’m sorry.. yes i nvr said I’m sorry to her b4… not verbally…

I’m sorry mom… I’m really sorry… I m very stress with my carreer and my future… that’s y i’m always showing a sour face… I’m starting to hv doubt with myself, I doubt my ability and capabality, and I doubt my future…I’m lost and I dunno what to do… but I know all these can’t be the excuse for letting u alone all the time… I’m sorry…

you will never know…
how i wish our conversation is not always only constrain on work, projects or serious matter… but something light, easy, and relax… but apart from that…our conversation ciesely exist… m i just a person who once worked togetehr with you b4 and nothing more?
……….I hope I’m not……… I hope at least i could be a close friend of you who can always hv a relax and open heart chat… but that never happen…

一直想对你说的一番话:

对不起，我不是一个可以让你感到引以为豪的好女儿,
对不起，我选择了一个冷门且不能赚大钱让你享福的行业，
对不起， 我没有办法买你喜欢的衣服给你穿，请你吃好吃的料理，或建你梦寐以求的karaoke 房给你唱歌…
对不起，我经常与你斗嘴且对你的吩咐爱理不理…
对不起，我不但没能帮你做家务减轻你的工作，反而把房间搞得乱七八糟，让你生气…
对不起，我糊涂健忘，做事不醒目，经常让你发脾气，增加你脸上的皱纹…
对不起，我邋遢成性，举止粗鲁，没有半点女生该有的样子与榜样…
对不起，我因为自己无聊的减肥计划，经常没有陪你吃晚餐或谈天…
对不起，每次我帮你捶背时总是牵挂着电脑里的MSN或工作…总是心不在焉,把你锤痛…
对不起，我把你心爱的车子撞得到处是伤，却没能帮你拿去修理…
对不起，我总是让你费心…担心我不够钱付修理费或不够钱花…
对不起，我驾车后，每次迟回或和朋友喝夜酒都让你担心我自己一个人驾车回家的路上会遇上坏人或出意外…
对不起我总是没办法让你感到安心…
对不起我从没真正的拥抱过你或对你说我爱你…

最后…对不起我没办法亲口对你说出以上的一席话…真的很对不起…

有勇气能对自己喜欢的人说出真心话,是世上最幸福的事，别像我那样，越喜欢对方，却越对对方表示冷漠…伤害对方…结果到头来还是孤零零的一个人…

Arghhhh!!!!!!!!!!! 我今天又倒大霉了!!!!!! 我始终还是收到罚单了T_T 什么跟什么嘛… 明明就已经料到新年前夕警察会来炒牌，所以我这两个星期都是乖乖地把车子停在停车场，也有给钱啊，怎料到好死不死今天没带够散钱，停车超时后又忘了去添钱，偏偏今天就中抄牌!!!!!!!! 哇~~ T-T 又要破费了~ 这个月还有一大半，我该怎么过~~？？ 风水师麦玲玲果然算得准!!!!!!! 看来我今年是注定整年行衰运，破财又倒霉的啦… 哎… 好痛心… 最近不顺心事多，无论是公事私事还是什么事… 前（钱）途茫茫，人际直落，办事不利，有苦无处诉…. 难怪脾气一天比一天差… 我到是底怎么了…?

2009年究竟是怎么了…? 在还没踏入2009年前夕，一连断不好的事陆陆续续地不停发生… 首先就在汽车抛瞄在浦冲开始，过后接二连三的与朋友发生争执…被朋友奚落…
我不明白…为什么平时他们在别人面前公然无理取闹的愚弄我，讽刺我，我也不曾埋怨过或对他们发脾气过，但如今，我不过是把事实说出来，也没有刻意地打坏注意说要讽刺他们，或把他们的错事大事宣扬，或当众取笑他们，为什么他们就可以发我脾气呢？最重要的是，那不过是些鸡皮蒜毛的小事啊~有必要那么大反应吗？若是别人就算了，但这可是我的好朋友呢… 想到这里… 心实在是很酸… 现在我才真正的明白，原来是上真的有人爱面子程度可以去到那么远…就连小小的错误也不愿心甘情愿的承认或让人发现… 还是说我这份人根本没有把自己的面子当过一回事，过于随意任人践踏呢？难道他们就有资格把我的尊严当笑话，而我就连对别人说出实话的资格也没有吗？笑．．．
这也就算了，另外一个更令我感到反感．．．成天只会烂清高，但事实上不过是市侩一个．．．经常只会空谈阔论，一味觉得自己满肚子学问与深度，但其实想极致肤浅幼稚．．．却一味地说什么”depth”，拜托．．．你懂什么是ｄｅｐｔｈ吗？受不了．．．
到底是怎么了．．．是不是做工后荷尔蒙起变化，还是说我心里不平衡？为什么我最近总觉得心烦气躁？以前的我很会控制自己的脾气的，凡事都看得很开，但是最近的我很容易生气，有很多时候觉得很多东西看不顺眼．．．给是以前就会觉得多一事不如少一事，现在，看不过眼就是势必要说出来不可．．．到头来惹来一身麻烦．．．何必呢．．．　＝＂＝
我是不是荷尔蒙失调呢．．．